Lager’s feet dangled over the edge, high above the city resting on her favourite perch, a rocky outcrop jutting from the mountainside. It was her preferred spot along this ledge, its scattered, multi-coloured, earth-toned rocks – a truism of life’s many flavours and moments, giving her an uninterrupted view of the lights of the city. Some blinking, others solid.
A God-like vantage point of what she considers an unending rat-race of mindless goings on. A chance to be untethered and away from the current of monotony.
Her shoulders rose as her breath drew deeply, releasing through her nostril. An exhausted sigh of purgatory.
What to do, what to do? Her mind keeps repeating this phrase, an endless loop.
This is so fucked up, everything is gone, changed, blow apart.
But to be fair, everything had been unravelling for a while now, she knew this was coming, deep down. The voice..
Her wiser self, always reprimanding. A constant reminder of what her true thoughts are. The reality; blinded by her own stubborn reluctance to preconceived ideas that were unsavoury, but which would help in the long run.
That was her Bitch Self, the one that’s always at the forefront of her mind. Doubting her every move, her very existence.
If she thought about it, her mind was made of two compartments, the good and the bad voices. Doubt and belief, fear and reality.
The Bitch Voice states in that intoxicating self-contained feminine bass, you should have prepared yourself earlier, been strong in your self-defence. But no, your loyalty and fear has once again gotten you stuck in a situation you now need to run from and yet can’t see a way to extricate yourself. Idiot.
‘Who you calling an idiot? You are me’ Lager’s voice escapes her lips, unbidden, whipped away by the winds that are so erratic up here, this high on the mountain.
‘Great, now you’re talking to yourself. You’ve really pushed it so far and so hard that you’re talking to yourself at the top of a mountain, hanging over the lip?! If anyone saw you, they’d either call emergency services or alter their path to a wide circle away from the crazy lady dangling off the cliff.’
She silently chastises herself, digging her fingernails into the grains of dirt beneath her hands, feeling the warmth of the earth.
‘Who fucking cares, nothing matters anymore’. She says out loud with such derision, selecting a jagged chip of rock from the dust and throwing it over the void.
Now now, you know that’s not true. Everything matters. This is not the end, you’re just scared. Ms Wise Self pipes up. You have the strength, and you have five lifetimes of experience crammed into your young body and mind. Just because you’re tired, does not mean there is no fight left in you. You’re a cauldron of strength, tap into it.
Lager, as always, doubted the words of her Wiser Self . She just made it sound too easy. How can anything be easy when it’s all so fucked up! She wondered in an offhand way whether if she decided to plunge off this peak, would the Wise Self just transfer to someone else? Is it transient or stuck to her body? Poor thing. She felt suddenly sorry for it, attached to her. If it actually was.
In so many ways things have stayed the same and this was why it was all unravelling. In life you can’t stay still or you’ll be steamrolled. All her life Lager had been screaming into the void, thinking her words would penetrate somewhere, someone. But it was just a void, a black sucking hole of nothing that gleefully crumpled her words into dust and spat it out the other side of another thing of nothing.
What to do, what to do. A running loop.
‘Fuck it’. She says as she gets to her haunches to stand. Suddenly those loose pebbles, the figurative truism of life, slip beneath her feet causing her to stumble forward, over the ledge and down into the abyss. A scream. Is that me? Echoes frantically from her lips to the rock wall, back and forth as she falls. Legs strangely unmoving, arms outstretched like a baby’s , hoping to be picked up by a caring parent. Then bam, all breath and thoughts of reason explode from her lungs and brain. A numbness that seemed to always be there but only now seems prevalent, pervades her body from tip to toe. Her eyes, the only working object on her body, staring dazed at her favourite perch, earth-toned chips of rock shower her body in a spray of final defeat.
Well, you’re alive at least. Her Wise Self whispers. But wait, that was her own voice.
‘Ah’. Lager grunts to herself in realisation. It took a great fall from her safe place to see that it wasn’t safe at all. A descent into free fall, unchallenged and terrifying, that finally melded her Wise Self into her own consciousness. ‘Well shit. Looks like I can stand the fall after all. If it takes more than that to kill me.’
*Yet again my Peach edits my work to perfection xxx